Monday, August 25, 2014


I have completed my first day of sophomore year.

I know I was supposed to post about the fish funeral. And that DID happen. And it WAS AWESOME. But stuff got busy and it's on the roster to post it and yes it will happen. Eventually. That's kind of my life motto. Eventually.


I started the day by locking myself out of my dorm.
Yes, I know. How very freshman of me. Get over it.

The other night we were all down on the first floor in the RA's dorm (by 'we' I mean the whole building) and we were in there like a half hour and after a while we finally started to filter back upstairs and we were talking and hanging out and then suddenly someone asks, "Does anyone spell natural gas?" but we didn't really think much of it until we continued to move upstairs and then one of the guys on the 3rd floor was like, "Hey, come smell this!" and some of us went up to his room AND THEIR HEATER/RADIATOR/THING-IN-THEIR-CLOSET-THAT-DOES-THAT-STUFF WAS TOTALLY LEAKING AND OUR WHOLE BUILDING WAS BEING FILLED WITH GAS. It was super exciting and some of us may or may not have been slowly and inadvertently been getting high for quite some time.
But (mom, this part is for you) everything turned out okay, and maintenance came and fixed it and checked everyone else's radiator things and we're all fine. But it was a very dramatic several hours.


Saturday, August 2, 2014


I bought a lighter and an eight dollar baby pool yesterday. Yay for end of the summer sales. They save me a lot on funeral costs.


Friday, August 1, 2014

Missing Update

Well.... The funeral is set for Sunday at dusk (probably 10ish because that's when Carol's boyfriend gets off work). I'm currently working on my eulogy. I'll be sure to post it, although my mother wants a video of the whole funeral so maybe you'll end up getting that. Today's mission is to find a kiddie pool. Hypothetical they should either be really cheap right now, or non-existent as Walmart is crushed in the onslaught of school supplies.

More to follow.


Wednesday, July 30, 2014


If you have not read the first installment in the 'MISSING' series, please scroll down and read that first.

Have I got a story for you.

So, the fish. When I left off, it was about 6pm on Wednesday, July 30th (which is still today) and we had no idea where our fish was. Well, we found him.

Carol was getting antsy, freaking out about where her fish could possibly be, asking me if I was in on some kind of practical joke (I wish I was in on it. I wish someone would bring me in on a practical joke involving kidnapping a fish.) Finally, she just started getting desperate, looking through all of the rooms, checking the bathrooms, the toilets, the trashcans. Then she started crawling across the ground, running her hands under all of the furniture, the chairs, the tables, the couch- "AH. I FOUND HIM. I FOUND HIM. I FOUND HIM." She just sort of collapsed on the floor looking so freaking disgusted, staring at the couch and we were both screaming and she scooped him up out from under the couch with a lid and dumped him back in his bowl AND HE STARTED LIKE, SEIZING AND SWIMMING AND WE WERE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE HE SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE HE WAS UNDER THAT COUCH FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS. And he was all covered in lint and hair (because we don't vacuum very often) and he was SUFFOCATING but we couldn't do anything because he's A FISH and after a little bit we just sort of sat back and let him lay there because he had to be exhausted after somehow JUMPING OUT OF HIS BOWL AND FLOPPING THREE FEET UNDER THE COUCH and we were watching TV, hyperventilating because let's be honest, we are freaking out. After a little while of him lying at the bottom of the bowl we decided to poke him with a pencil and I was only six inches from the bowl and she touched him AND HE LEAPED UP INTO THE AIR AT MY FREAKING FACE AND WE'RE BOTH SCREAMING and falling onto the floor BECAUSE THIS FISH SHOULD BE DEAD. He's living up to his name. Hades. Lord of the dead.

We spent the next hour poking him every few hours to make sure he was alive.

Then... suddenly he wasn't alive.

We called time of death at 8:23pm.

I have since planned a traditional Viking funeral. We plan to send him off on Sunday at dusk.
For those of you who don't know what a traditional Viking funeral involves, we will be putting him in the beautiful boat pictured below, placing him in a water vessel of some kind, and lighting him on fire. (We're leaning towards a kiddie pool. We have limited resources.)

This took me an hour to make and I actually kind of don't want to set it on fire.

Here is his current resting place on our windowsill. (We need to dry him out enough for him to catch flame.)

Details of the service to follow.


So, Roommate/cousin Carol and I have this fish. His name is Hades. He's technically Carol's fish, she brought him when we moved in, but I've been the one taking care of him so it's like he's also mine. He's rather amazing because none of her fish have ever lasted longer than a year (we know this because she keeps all of the receipts and then writes the death date on them. It's a rather morbid collage.) Hades however, is living up to his name, avoiding death at all costs! But tonight.... Some stuff went down.

Carol is moving out tomorrow to become an RA on south campus and we will no longer be living together (tear, tear) and tonight we're having like, a last hoorah, watching High School Musical and such. Today, while I was at work, she cleaned the fishbowl and left Hades in a small plastic bowl on the table. I then picked her up and we went to get food. When we got back... Hades was gone. His bowl was there and the food she had put in was still floating on top. But the fish was gone. We have since talked to both roommates. Neither claim to know anything. We... Are confounded. We're taking this as sort of sign about the ending of our relationship as roommates. Very prophetic and slightly creepy on our last night together.

The flyer shall read:


Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Guys... I'm so lame. So boring. I have nothing to say because I am lame right now. I'm so sorry.

OH WAIT. One thing did happen.
I lit a good chunk of my hair on fire ligjting bottle rockets and now I have to pin this weirdly short section of hair up every morning because it won't stay in my freaking ponytail. So that happened.

Um... School is starting in almost exactly a month, which I'm okay with. I might get to actually see my friends again.

Also, I OFFICIALLY HAVE A SCHOOL YEAR JOB! The non-profit organization I've been interning with this summer just asked me to stay on during he school year. I'M SO EXCITED. Everyone is so nice and the job is great and I won't have to go get a new job and relearn where everything is. So I'm very happy about that.

I will be moving soon. It will be quite a drastic change. Nearly 1000 feet away from my previous dorm location AND ON THE SECOND FLOOR. I'll have to take stairs everyday. Ew.


Sunday, June 29, 2014


I've been getting some hate messages all directed at forcing me to post and I'm very sensitive so I'm going to write something if only to MAKE THE ASKING STOP. (cracks knuckles).

Okay, so it's summertime, and I don't have class, and I work a full time office job.
Just a warning, those factors add up to me not having a ton of interesting or exciting stories. I'm sort of lame right now. Like really lame. I sleep A LOT. But I'll try.

I will try as hard as I can to post nearer to the day, because fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. It's the one day a year when I'm guaranteed explosives and homemade lemon ice cream. It's always been a big deal for my family. Dad always buys way more fireworks than we can actually light in one night (so we usually have this random stash of bottle rockets in the garage) and we all put on clothing that we don't mind having burn holes in and start lighting things on fire! My favorite is roman candle wars, in which we just sort of aim roman candles at each other and starting shooting. But we're not allowed to play in the cornfield anymore because a few years ago we lit one of the stalks on fire and the whole thing almost went up. Now we have to play it in open fields, which isn't as much fun because there's no stealth involved. But anyway.

Fourth of July just makes everything feel so American, you know what I mean? Like, we're all wearing our American flag t-shirts, and all of the huge fireworks tents are all over town and people go on trips to see relatives and it's just so AMERICAN.
I bet if they took a pole Fourth of July and the Olympics would tie for the times when Americans feel the most patriotic. We are all just total suckers for explosives and curling.