Well, aside from the huge news of me going to visit the Junkers this week - basically it's all school. That's all I do with my life. I go to work, I tutor, I housesit, I go to school. Aaanndd.... I spill mass quantities of vegetable soup in my car. Seriously, it smells disgusting in there. Luckily, when I turn on the air conditioning it temporarily airs it out for that particular ride.
So... I bought an iPad. I'm actually typing this post on said iPad. Most of me thinks it's awesome and the other 30% of me is like YOU'RE PAYING FOR SCHOOL. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON AN IPAD? My therapist and I spent our last session discussing my impulses and whether or not this actually is one. The results were inconclusive.
It's football season.
Which is magnificent.
I live for football.
I was raised in a manner that means from September to February, if there's a football game on tv, it's on MY tv. It relaxes me, for some reason. I should analyze the cost benefits between Xanax and a cable bill.
We got new sticky notes at work.
I know, it sounds super lame, but they're the accordion kind that are all connected in opposite direction so they're like the slinky of sticky notes. I can just sit at my desk and play with them for a concerning amount of time. Mary hates them because she'll go to pick one up and the whole stack will follow and then fall off of her desk. But I think they're awesome.
I've decided to start something new.
(Keep in mind that I often make promises I can't keep because I'm bipolar (quite literally) and often TOTALLY BELIEVE that I can do something and then it just never gets done.
But here's what I'm planning on doing, right at this moment:
I'm going to make a new little tab at the top of the blog and in it I'm going to put "WHAT I'M READING".
I'm going to try to update it every week with whatever I've been reading that week.
You may end up getting three weeks of the same book, or maybe it will be about whatever I had to read for school. If it's been a particularly busy week you might even end up getting something from the back of a cereal box. Only time will tell.
So yeah, that's what I'm going to try to do, just for some variety. I may or may not let you know in this normal part of the blog whether or not I've updated the reading page, or maybe I won't. Haven't thought that far ahead. I also don't know how interesting the books I'll be reading will be. Hopefully I'll be able to MAKE them interesting, even if they aren't. You know me, I'm a good storyteller. I'll make it work.
So what do you guys think? Good idea?
(ALSO: Junkers, I'll be there for the premier. You can count on it. 6ish okay?)
So, summer has begun and.... now I am very boring.
I just work full time in the summer. In an office. I wear pencil skirts and bring my lunch to work everyday. It's all very adult and unexciting. This is summer as an adult.
This means that if I'm going to keep any of you guys interested I'm going to have to break into the archives...
I honestly can't think of anything right now but I promise that when something comes to me I will write it down and let you guys know as soon as possible.
IT'S FINALS WEEK.
That's not really true though. Last week (which is supposed to be dead week) was basically finals week too. I had three final paper due, which I stayed up until 1:30 three consecutive nights to finish. I had another one due last night and then my American lit final today. It was another online one, just like my midterm.
Online finals are a tricky business. They can be really good for some people and really bad for others. They're really good for me because I feel more relaxed and I can get up to use the bathroom and fill my water and briefly pet my dog for a bit.
They can be really bad for those who are easily distracted (WHICH IS NOT ME CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF).
Anyway, MY FINAL. The midterm was terrible and this one was structure the same so I expected it to be terrible as well.
And it was.
Luckily there wasn't very much discussion on the whole structuralism/post-structuralism debate, though there was a lot of Modernism/Postmodernism, so I was able to just use all of the structuralism/post-structuralism stuff and then I wasn't rehashing the same thing in four essays. Yeah, IT WAS AN ESSAY TEST. I had two hours and there were FIVE OF THEM. I ran out of time, actually.
OH. And midway through the test the air-conditioning guy came and he was messing with the breakers and he TURNED OFF THE INTERNET AND I ALMOST HYPERVENTILATED BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T COME BACK ON AND IT WAS A TIMED ONLINE TEST. I lost like 10 minutes and I was terrified.
But I managed to get it done before time ran out, I just didn't get to go back and edit anything.
BUT IT'S DONE. And now I don't have anything until Thursday.
It's actually really weird.
I've been super internally stressing over the paper due last night (that I put off until last night) and this final and now they're both done and I have nothing to super stress over.
Not sure what to do.
Okay, so this is to all of you who have been making fun of me for getting so worked up about Grey's Anatomy.
(ESPECIALLY THE IDIOT WHO TOLD ME "IT'S FICTION".)
WHOEVER YOU ARE: **** YOU.
I have been through ELEVEN SEASONS of this show. THAT'S 10 YEARS. 10 YEARS OF THE SAME CHARACTER WHO I HAVE GROWN TO LOVE AND CHERISH.
Many characters have been killed off over the years.
George, Mark, Lexie. Henry, Denny, Heather. HUNDREDS OF PATIENTS WHO I GREW VERY ATTACHED TO. SO MANY PEOPLE.
DEREK IS THE MAN THE SHOW IS BUILT AROUND. I would rather them kill Meredith than Derek. I seriously would. AND IT WASN'T EVEN A GOOD DEATH. IT WAS HORRIBLY WRITTEN.
The deal from the beginning was that Meredith and Derek would end up together. That was the deal. Whatever was thrown our way, we would take it, because we had the promise of their eternal happiness.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
My whole life is a lie.
SO DON'T TELL ME THAT IT'S JUST ******* FICTION.
I WILL KNIFE YOU.
I have 4 papers due in the next 10 days and I'm either working, in class, or working on them. Or sleeping.
So summer will be here shortly and I will be back to working full time (that's what I do in the summer) and I'll be even more boring than I am right now. 9-5 in an office. So very adult.
The sugar thing is still on track! I actually bought Jack a chocolate chip muffin a few days ago (because I bribe him with baked goods to do his math homework) and I ate some of it and didn't even like it. It was too sweet. Which is great! I'm detoxing to the point where I don't like it!
Oh! So a few days ago I made a decision. Well, about a week ago, really. It was a momentous occasion and I've slowly been informing all of my friends of my great plan and they've all been very supportive so far.
So here it is. My decision.
I'm going to start dressing like an adult.
Specifically, a mid to late 20's adult.
High heeled boots and blazers. You should see my Pinterest right now. It's insane.
I have a friend (Kendra) who is basically my personal shopper/stylist and we've discussed what this future fashion movement looks like for me and she's going to help me achieve it.
We'll build slowly (don't worry mom, I won't go crazy right away) and fill my wardrobe with only specifically chosen, pre-approve pieces. This last weekend black jeans were bought. Next on the list is a grey blazer.
So yes. There's my very anti-clamatic, life altering decision.
It's all about confidence! I'm now at a place in my life where I want to put forth the effort and I actually have the effort to put forth and I want to do this. For myself.
So I'm going to start building my mid to late 20's adult wardrobe and be awesome and make all of the other 'age appropriate'ly dressed college students super jealous.
(I wore a blazer all day yesterday. To classes and everything.)
Also I got my hair cut today. This was a very cosmetic based post. Also very boring. But you're the one who took the time to read it, so that's on you. No complaining.
THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY COLLEGE CAREER JUST HAPPENED.
Okay, so I had a field trip for art today. (College fields trips are totally fab by the way.) We had a school bus that picked us up and we went to a mural downtown and a big pioneer thing also downtown and then these big stone things in Elmwood park, etc. We were even on a school bus. It was very nostalgic and super awesome. If all of my classes had field trips it would make college so much better.
ANYWAY, the fun trip came after we were done and on our way back to campus. So the driver missed the 'right to go left' loop thing and without that we would have had to go all the way down dodge and turn off onto 72nd or something and he didn't want to do that. There's a little stop light between campus and 72nd where people often make U-turns to avoid 72nd.
Keep in mind we're in a SCHOOL BUS.
So he decides that we're going to U-turn. He's basically taking up two lanes in preparation to make a wide turn and people are honking as they go by and it's this huge mess, and THEN HE ACTUALLY TAKES THE U-TURN and people are still honking and he's basically halted traffic and he's yelling, "YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?" And then because it's only 4 lanes he HAD TO BACK UP AND REALIGN and so he's yelling, "YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS EVEN MORE." And we're all in the back holding onto our seats and laughing so hard until he finally righted the bus and managed to get us back to campus and it was the greatest bus ride of my life and I have been on many bus rides.
BACK-DATED BLOG POST: this happened like a month and a half ago but I'm going to write it as if it happened right now. Here we go.
I had my American Lit midterm today. I'VE BEEN FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT. When I told my friend Kendra at the beginning of the semester that I was taking a class with Guerra the first thing out of her mouth was, STUDY FOR HIS MIDTERMS. So obviously that was going to make things worse in my brain. It was an online midterm which led to the question of where would I take it? Not in the dorm, because I am very distractable. Not in the library for the same reason. So I decided on my parent's house.
HOWEVER WHEN I GOT THERE IT TURNED OUT MY HOUSE WAS AKIN TO A TUBERCULOSIS SANATORIUM. They were all walking zombies passed out on any flat surface, wrapped in blankets, etc. At one point I got up to put a bowl in the dishwasher and my mom yelled, "NO, STOP. QUIT TOUCHING THINGS. JUST FINISH AND LEAVE."
So on to the midterm itself:
We had two hours. It was basically all essays. I actually ran out of time on the last one. IT WAS AWFUL. I took it, packed up, and left.
BECAUSE THIS IS BACKDATED YOU GET TO HEAR THE ENDING.
So I got both my midterm and my two papers back. You remember, the ones that I ripped out in one Sunday night and live blogged through?
I GOT AN A- ON THE AM. LIT. ONE (the one I was most concerned abut because I did it between the hours of 11pm and 2am and it's an English class which mean they grade a bit more harshly.)
I GOT A 50/50 ON THE WORLD CIV ONE. (he said I demonstrated 'a clear understand of the text'. I seriously had no idea what that thing was about. I skimmed the book that afternoon. It was the one with the words I didn't understand.)
AND AN A ON THE MIDTERM THAT I DIDN'T QUITE FINISH.
As soon as I saw the grades I called my mom and and was bouncing up and down on Kendra's couch as I told her about it.
So there you have it kids, procrastination does pay.
I still have some back dated things to post (THAT I'M WORKING ON WRITING) but I need to put in this brief interlude to let you guys know THAT I DROPPED MY STATS CLASS AND THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN IN SEVERAL WEEKS.
I called my mom, totally bawling, after taking 2 Xanax in an attempt to get through the freaking study guide for tomorrow's test and we both decided that my mental health is more important. I can suddenly breathe again. And everyone knows that once your mom says it's okay, it'r really okay and everything is so much better. Actually everything is just better after talking to your mom. It's just a fact of life. That, and snuggling a puppy, preferably your own.
So, thanks mom for being cool with it, and AHH I FEEL SO FREE. I immediately told all of my roommates about how happy I know am, still crying slightly and my face all red and they are all extremely excited for me.
So, a note for all of you kids out there. Mental health is more important and there are some really terrible teachers out there so watch out.
Okay, so this happened like 3 weeks ago and I’m just now getting it written. Everything will be sort of back dated for a little while. I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY.
So on Saturday night (3 weeks ago) we were having dinner (Me, little brother, mom, dad, Allen-who-is-little-brother’s-friend, and Cady-who-is-my-friend-and-happens-to-be-Allen’s-little-sister).
We were discussing the disappearance of a certain 54oz. bag of skittles from our kitchen counter…
Little brother just shrugged and said, “It’s in my room.” Something happened next though I can’t remember what, but in the end it culminates to my father saying, “It’s not like the flavors mean anything. You can’t tell.” Cady immediately piped in, “I can tell.” quietly, as little brother huffed in indignation, announcing that he also could tell the difference. Thus, the challenge was born.
It was mom who suggested it. I blind taste test. I gathered dish towels to blindfold them while little brother waded through his trash heap of a room to find them (he’s been sleeping in my bedroom because his is such a mess. Seriously. That’s a sign.) I, of course, could not participate because I’m off sugar and skittles are basically little balls of pure sugar dyed different colors.
One at a time I gave each of them a different colored skittle, holding it up so my dad could mark down what they really had, before letting them eat it.
It was a brilliant system. I made up a little chart and everything (pictured at the bottom) that he recorded everything on. They would hold up their color before eating it so that we could compare, etc.
The results were as follows:
Little Brother: 0/5
Little brother guessed red twice and was wrong both times.
I apologize for my lack of correspondence, life has been CRAZY.
But I have many stories in the bank (including the results of those 2 terrible papers...) and hopefully I'll be posting soon. As in tomorrow.
I skipped right over the completion of page three. I was on a roll. But I'm starting to drag... I'm going to have to wrap this up quick before I lose all mental capability. The weird thing is that I'm not really tired. Just tired of thinking. Hypothetically I could probably stay up for another 2 hours and watch a movie (not that I'm going to.)
But I did give myself the pep talk of a lifetime while I was in there. It was all about how I've been training for this for the last six years, and how all of high school has prepared me for this moment, and that if I can get this done before 3 am then I can have a nap between classes tomorrow. (I'll probably do that anyway.)
If this seemed very fast to you, remember that I've been working on this one since 2 this afternoon. That's like 8 hours. And yes, I did take a break to make muffins and stuff when I started to go blind from my computer screen, but still, EIGHT HOURS. It's because the freaking nationalism book was so terrible and difficult to read. I don't anticipate an awesome grade on that one, but there's an extra credit conference thing this weekend that a friend and I are going to go to to make up for our terrible grades on this.
So now I'm on to my American lit paper. This one is a little different in that its a critical analysis over one of the short stories that we've read this semester. The problem is that because it's an English class it's going to be graded much more harshly so I have to put more actual thought into it.
The thing about me when it comes to writing papers is that I'm a truly excellent bullshitter. For real. It's one of the skills I'm most proud of. One time I won a writing contest with a paper I'd written the night before. I wasn't trying to win, I was just trying to get the paper turned in to class on time.
I would rather write papers all day long that do math.
"Blind them with your brilliance or baffle them with your bullshit."
That was my honorary senior quote and it's a motto I live by to this day.
Another surprisingly convenient thing is that I am a total insomniac. I take 50mg of trazadone in order to sleep every night. So as long as I don't take my trazadone, I should hypothetically stay awake indefinitely... Insomnia is a blessing and a curse.
I haven't posted in a little bit because school has been very stressful lately.
But then tonight I decided that as long as I'm going to suffer, you guys can suffer with me!
It'll prove to you guys that I really AM doing stuff.
So here goes:
I have a 5 page world civ paper due at midnight. It's over a book called imagined communities and is about nationalism and its effects on the the post eighteenth century world and is super terrible. Problem is... I hadn't actually read the book until today... and as I began I discovered THAT IT IS A REALLY DIFFICULT BOOK. I consider myself very proficient in the way of the vocabulary of the English language and I was looking up definitions on google. And its 150 pages long.
So I've been working on that since 2 in the afternoon and a few minutes ago I was looking up my American lit paper which is due midnight tomorrow ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT IT'S NOT DUE AT MIDNIGHT TOMORROW. IT'S DUE AT THE BEGINNING OF CLASS TOMORROW. Class is at 11:30 am, which means that I will be staying up to finish that one as well. It is also 5 pages.
So this is me live blogging the detailed account of a college student who really hates herself right about now.
It's not like a lent thing, or anything, it's potentially permanent...
My mom is taking this ‘naturopath’ technique with some of my health issues, and she has me taking like 8 vitamins a day and these special drops in my water. She wanted me to go off of gluten but that is a NOOO. I think I could learn to live without out candy and ice cream, BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE UP BREAD, TACOS, CHINESE FOOD, FRIED SHRIMP, THIS LIST COULD GO ON FOR YEARS, you get my point. So sugar it is.
Not all sugar, of course. I’ll still eat fruit and other natural sugars. I’m just trying to cut the processed stuff out. But it’s still going to be very rough. Especially right on the heels of Valentine’s day, so there’s all sorts of chocolate lying around. I’m telling myself that I’m ‘WEANING’ off of it, which basically means that I’m still going to eat everything in the dorm, but I’m going to go slowly, and I’m not going to buy anymore.
Another big problem is that my boss is addicted to chocolate. She calls it crack. That’s what she refers to it as in conversation. Today, for example, she called ahead and asked if anyone had any requests. Then she arrived with an entire bag (INCLUDING MALTED ROBIN EGGS WHICH ARE MY FAVORITE) and told us that it’s all free game, and then passed around one of those heart boxes of Valentine’s chocolate.
She’s an enabler.
I’m so screwed.
My current plan is just drown myself in fruit, to settle the cravings with natural sugars to take the edge off and then hopefully it’ll even me out and my roommate won’t have to sit on me to keep me from running to Walmart and gorging myself right there in the candy aisle.
*5 HOURS LATER*
Well nope. I wrote the first part of this post several hours ago and now it’s nighttime and I have to tell you guys that my dad made cookies and I had like 6 of them. I’m already off the wagon. Over.
Today, Jack (the eighth grader I tutor in math) and I were talking about snow at school. Maybe that's a weird topic, but he was telling me about how they aren't even allowed to PICK IT UP during recess and I was like, "WHAT? THEN HOW DO YOU BUILD FORTS?"
When I was in school and we still had recess, there were certain activities that went on in the snow. There would be a group building snowmen, some doing snow angels, others using the playground, some attempting to use the basketball court and then completely wiping out as they slid over a hidden patch of ice, etc.
Looking back, it was probably really funny to watch; all of us toddling around in our snow pants, with our huge puffy coats, hats, mittens, and scarves. All of us like little Ralphies screaming that we can't put our arms down.
I was part of another group. The serious group. The future-leaders-of-our-generation group. The hardworking elites that refused to allow devastating setbacks and what others might call insurmountable odds hinder us in our slow trek to greatness.
We were the group that built forts.
We were eleven-year-old architects, brilliant and misunderstood, spending our precious hours of outdoor time painstakingly packing walls, digging tunnels, smoothing out floors. It was our life's work, those forts. Though, we didn't see them as forts. To us, they were architectural feats that rivaled the Pyramids of Gaza, the Notre Dame Cathedral, and the Empire State Building.
We weren't construction workers. We were artists.
The thing about fort builders is that we weren't in it for the money or the fame. We didn't do it for the looks on the third graders faces as they came upon the wonder that was our added tower spires. It wasn't about the glory.
It was about stepping back after the teacher's whistle blew and wiping the sweat from your brow as you took in everything you had accomplished in 25 short minutes. It was about honor.
The other thing about fort builders is that we were never truly done. Like all visionaries, we strove to be better everyday. There was always more to be done. Another door to be built. Another tunnel to be dug. More blueprints to review, because hey, if we put the hottub in the main structure, the mini-fridge would have to be exiled to sub-basement B and that just would not do.
We could never enjoy our successes because we were constantly busy fighting for more. Another day, a new challenge. If we let down our guard, disaster could strike.
One such disaster was the potential destruction of our masterpieces at the hands of those who could've one day been our friends, but instead were branded our enemies. Those who wished trample our kingdom and lay waste to our villages.
We called them The Destroyers.
They were those from the younger grades whose recesses were at odds with ours, making it possible for them to strike when we were vulnerable and unable to defend ourselves. We would arrive the next day to find the igloo addition we had made the day before in ruins.
We quickly realized that we needed a defense system.
We called them The Soldiers.
They were a team of handpicked younger kids that we bribed into safeguarding our castles. We would stock snowballs for them in a side room, sometimes burying chocolate or other candy in what we called 'the freezer bank' to keep them loyal. And it worked. With them under our employ we once again were able to focus all of our mental capacity on our work.
It was a beautiful system and it lasted until the very last snow melt.
Those snow forts were our legacy and will live on in our memories forever.
Yes, I'm just another white girl looking up skincare techniques on the internet.
So we all know those Biore nose strips, right?
The ones made famous for little girls like me in the first Princess Diaries when she unceremoniously ripped it off when faced with her spurned crush, Michael.
They're very simple - you wet it and put it on your nose and let it harden and then peel it off. Yes, it sort of hurts. It hurts less if you just rip it off, but it's far less effective that way. Like they say, beauty is pain.
I found a recipe on Pintrest to make one for your whole face. A face mask of sorts.
1 tablespoon of knorr unflavored gelatin
1&1/2 tablespoons of milk
Mix them together (IN A PLASTIC CUP OR SOMETHING YOU'RE OKAY WITH THROWING AWAY I WILL NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE TWICE) and put it in the microwave for 10-15 seconds.
Apply it to your face with like a popsicle stick (SOMETHING YOU CAN THROW AWAY) quickly! It hardens really fast.
Then you wait it out.
The first time I tried it I only put it on my nose because I was vaguely concerned about slapping this weird mix of stuff on my whole face.
NOTE TO ALL: Don't put it too close to your eyes because your eyelashes with get stuck in it and it will hurt like a mother and you'll lose half your eyelashes.
It did sort of hurt when I was pulling it off but that probably mostly due to the eyelash pluckage.
I decided that I'm pretty sure it worked... the skin around my nose feels smoother and stuff. However, I was still scared to do it to my whole face.
So I texted my friend Maggie and informed her that I would be arriving at her house in the evening and she had to do it with me.
Fast forward to that evening:
She agreed that it smelled super weird and we just stood there in her bathroom applying this stuff to our faces and trying not to drip it in our hair. (I got a ton of it in my eyebrow).
We then sat back to wait until it hardened. (You can tell just by touching it when it's ready.)
The problem is that when it hardens and sinks into your pores and stuff it also takes a tight grip on any of the little hairs or peach fuzz on your face. It's just like those nose strips. So it sort of hurts when you peel it off. It's doesn't hurt that bad, it's just... Uncomfortable. We were standing in her bathroom making these really weird noises as we peeled it off. I was terrified for my eyebrows but it turns out if you just apply water with like a washcloth it comes right out. So I still have my eyebrows! Yay!
Maggie and I both agreed that the pain was worth it and our faces feel softer and that we would do it again.
So there you go. There's my stolen Pintrest face mask.
I taunted you with a post for today but it didn't really happen and I apologize but I accidentally took a three hour nap this afternoon and when I finally woke up it was like I was coming out of a coma.
I've spent the last I don't know how many hours doing homework and then I remembered I had an online lecture to watch for tomorrow and that turned out to be another hour and UGH.
I know I'm not blogging and I sort of promised I would.
I'm so terrible.
School has started again and my life is once again being pulled to and fro, controlled by the whims and fancies of professors that are intent upon destroying any happiness that I may now have or may come up on the coming months.
I have this list of topics and anecdote on my phone to write about but it's lateish and I was just going to give you a brief update and since I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW you might get an actual post... We'll see.
Okay. I'm getting a little deep today. I wrote this at like 3AM last night. So it's a new year. January first, which will be followed by January second, then third, and so on. Yet despite this being another day in a long line of other days, we ascribe it a special importance. Who decided that this would be the do-over date? All a year represents is the cycle of the earth around the sun. Who decided when the cycle "restarted"? I have many questions. One of which is: what are my resolutions this year? That's always the question they ask. Everyone always has an answer. Go to the gym three times a week. Quit eating fast food. Stop drunk texting him. Stop sober texting him. Either way the result is the same.
We let a calendar decide when we want to be a new person. As if today is so much different than yesterday and the fact that it's now "2015" means that I'll have more willpower. False. I have the same amount of willpower. Which is none.
My resolution is this: I will not make a resolution. I will not start this year by picking apart what I think is wrong with me and endeavoring to fix it. I will be me, a person who is a total delight filled with sarcasm and great fun at parties and if at some point in the future if I decide that I don't like something that I do, then I'll change it. But I won't start this year believing parts of me are mistakes. Over.